Esperanza

It's odd not having written for 3 weeks...
It's only been 3 weeks?
...Feels like months since Dec. 1.

Holy shit.

Today the hope of the resurrection of the dead
started to click.

The hope started to permeate within me.
Finally.
It moved from my head down to my heart.
I felt warmer.
I felt the endorphins pumping into me,
as my mood shifted from depressed
To excitement about being alive--about
Seeing Aunt Judy again.

So fucking weird, cuz i'm so fucking pissed off.

Yet, after we buried her in the ground
And drove away,
I was thinking about all I've been reading in Surprised by Hope.
...And how much MORE there is to come.
How our life here is just the beginning.
Yet, now we have to go through it without her...
It still fucking sucks so much.

Yet, i'm starting to feel it.

Yo puedo sentirla; esperanza.

Math major at heart

Yes.

I am reminded what a math nerd I am.

I typed the word 'equation' when i meant 'occasion':

"On more than one EQUATION I have been told..."

CLASSIC.

cancer at christmas

I HATE cancer.

It's been a year since Andy's mom died, and I still cry about it. I still miss her. I still sometimes can't believe she's gone. I still want to hug Andy and tell him how sorry I am and put my hand on his back during service when we pray for those who've died. It still hurts so much.

My aunt is dying from cancer right now. She has 3 young teenage kids. We are all like brothers and sisters. It's Thanksgiving and we all forgot the life-long tradition of going around the table and saying what we're thankful for. ....why?

My adopted grandpa's wife (Dr. Lemcio's wife, Diane) just got diagnosed with lymphoma cancer.

So I started to feel angry at God tonight--
then I felt like He said, "And you think I like it?"
He said it with attitude...'in your face'-like.

He HATES cancer too.

Voy a estar una nina…
una nina de mi Padre.
Soy la nina…El es el Padre.
Estaré una nina y dormiré en paz.
Voy a tomarle la mano
y caminar con El .

Happy to be Alive

"Now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since You took my heavy heart and made it light. And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive."

~For the last 5 years, most of the time I have sang this simple, not-deep-at-all chorus by Relient K praying that someday I could sing it truthfully; that someday I could breathe in deeply and sing with a full, warm heart that I was happy to be alive.

...and today I did.

Today I did.

I was sweeping up coffee grounds behind the bar where I work at Muse Coffee. This song came on. I was singing along as usual, with the normal feeling of dread that comes over me when I hear this song because it harshly reminds me that I don't feel the way I'm saying I feel as I sing along.

But today I did.

Today I am happy to be alive. I am so happy to be alive. I am so happy that I am happy to be alive.

Because this is so NEW for me.

And it's not just today...it's been a couple months now where I have woken up wanting to be alive...grateful to be alive. I wake up every morning fearing this will end--that i'll wake up depressed with a dark heaviness again...like I'm used to.

But I don't.

I knelt down on that coffee ground covered floor with broom and dustpan in hand and reflected on times in the recent past where I had wanted to end my life--where I was in such despair and hopelessness...and how good God has been to me throughout.

I thanked God over and over again in multiple languages-

Thank you, God. Thank you thank you thank you.
Gracias, padre. Gracias gracias gracias.
Спасибо Богу. Спасибо cпасибо cпасибо.

You have taken my heavy heart and made it light.
You have given me the gift of enjoying my life.

And I am happy to be alive.

Pouring Hope

When you're blindsided and deceived
And chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see
The writing on the wall

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that's
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us

When it's hard for you to breathe
Keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be
Just to be yourself sometimes

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that's
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us

~Mindy Smith

This is an awful ad.

Psalm 56...my prayer and consolation

Be merciful to me, O God,
because I am under attack;
my enemies persecute me all the time.
All day long my opponents attack me.
There are so many who fight against me.

When I am afraid, O LORD Almighty,
I put my trust in You.
I trust in God and am not afraid;
I praise Him for what He has promised.
What can a mere human being do to me?

You know how troubled I am;
You have kept record of my tears.
Aren't they listed in Your book?
The day I call to You,
my enemies will be turned back.

I know this:
God is on my side--
the LORD, whose promises I praise.
In Him I trust, and I will not be afraid.
What can a mere human being do to me?

O God, I will offer You what I have promised;
I will give you my offering of thanksgiving,
because You have rescued me from death
and kept me from defeat.

And so I walk in the presence of God,
in the light that shines on the living.

WTF?

I hate porn.
I hate how accessible it is.
I hate how "normal" it is.
I hate how men are basically encouraged to look at it...
like there is something wrong with them if they don't.

I mean, What the fuck?

Where did/do these totally "non-intrinsic to us" ideas come from?

And how can women support it?
How the hell do some women promote porn as liberating and feministic?
How in the world have the Playboy bunnies become ROLE MODELS for young girls?

I mean, What the fuck?

I'm so effing confused.

What have we become?

.
.
.

As We Are Held

For far too long,
I’ve been far less brave than I’d like to be.
And I’ve stood here for two years with you,
Afraid every morning that the sun is through;
Always worrying it has better things to do.
Yet, on me, it continues to rise.

And so it is with the Son;
He chases me all day long.
And for too many years I’ve continued to run;
But today I stopped…and turned around.

He said there’s nothing wrong with me,
That I don’t need to be anything but Anne-Marie.
That from my fear, He’s dying to set me free…
And dying, He’s already done.

So I threw off my fear and
Exhaled it out of my lungs.
In return, He offered me the wine of love.
He kissed my forehead saying,
‘Child, you don’t need to run…
Anywhere but into My arms.’

So that is where I reside this eve.
And even better, so do you...

*We hold each other as we are held*

I know

"God,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

~Let go, and let God.
~I can't; God can. So I'll let Him.
~Turn around and face the dragon.

~I cannot control the outcome;
give the outcome to God.

...

Jesus loves me...

THIS I KNOW.

Thank you, Brennan Manning

"I am loveable because He loves me. Period."

"God never says to us, 'I want you to be something else' without also saying, 'I love you as you are.'"

"Harsh though it may sound, it is obvious that Christ is denied today by Christians most of all, because His lordship over their organized religion and their dogmatic convictions has become illusory, theoretical, and imaginary."

"The great turning point in your life comes not when you realize that you love God but when you realize and fully accept the fact that God loves you unconditionally."

~from A Glimpse of Jesus, by Brennan Manning

Lonely Sometimes

"I woke up from a strange rain
And it was dreaming outside
I rolled over for the telephone

I thought I'd call someone
Tell them I dreamed I had died
But I know that I was all alone

I just get lonely sometimes
I want someone to take away my grief
I just get lonely sometimes
I want to wake up in the morning with someone
Lying next to me who I can turn to for relief
I just get lonely sometimes
But I know I just need You

I probably slept in a bed of bitterness
That's why I woke up this way
That's probably why I'm in this lonesome hole

I probably got to needing everything
And needing it today
That's probably why I play this lonely role

But I know I know I know I just need You."

~Waterdeep

I am really sad...

Muchas Gracias

Why does it still amaze me
That God gives me what I need?
And not only my needs,
But sometimes, also what I want...
Like tonight.
A solo dance party while mopping.
Some "Walk it Out" to get my feet moving.
And then an abundance of reassurance
That my heart will heal.
That I am desirable.
That although my heart is broken,
I am not broken.

Gracias, Padre.

Grief

"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it.
It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord.
The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver.
But it opens a little less each time, and a little less;
and one day we wonder what has become of it."

~from Memoirs of a Geisha

Songs of the Summer 2009 & 2010

- "Knock You Down" ~Keri Hilson w/Kanye & NeYo
- "I Got a Feeling" ~Black Eyed Peas
- "Whatcha Say" ~Jason DeRulo
- "Take a Bow" ~Rihanna 9/11/09
- "Walk it Out" ~Dj Unk
- "Breathe me" ~Sia
-"Heads will roll" ~the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Songs of the Summer 2010
- "Not Afraid" ~Eminem
- "Love the Way You Lie" ~Eminem w/Rihanna
- "Safe Place" ~Enter the Worship Circle
- "Got Yo Back Boy" ~. T.I. w/Keri Hilson

Things I want to do in my life (this list will be added to periodically)

1. I want to jump and skip and dance down the sidewalk in front of where I live while I'm blasting "I got a feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas...cuz that song makes me happy.

Psalm 57 amended

I am angry.
So, 'be merciful to me, O God,
Be merciful.'
I am so afraid and worried.
So, 'I come to you for safety.'
I want us to feel safe but I don't.
So, 'in the shadow of Your wings,
I [will] find protection.'
I am scared, God,
So I'll hide in You
'Until the raging storms are over.'
My needs weren't getting met.
So, 'I call to God, who supplies my every need.'
I heard the most painful answer to my question!
Now, instead,
I trust that You 'will answer from heaven
And save me.'
I was cheated on, double-crossed, and used.
But You 'show me [Your] constant love
And faithfulness.'
I am overwhelmed by the pain of the past;
'I am surrounded by enemies...'
I am full of grief in the present;
'My enemies have spread a net to catch me.'
And I am easily paralyzed by fear of the future;
'I am overcome with distress.'
But the pain, grief, and fear do not win--
'They dug a pit in my path,
But fell into it themselves.'
So I turned my will and my life
Over to the care of God;
'I have complete confidence, O God!'
Joy will again be mine!
'I will sing and praise you!'
It feels like I'm finally alive!
So 'wake up, my soul!'
Life is waiting for you to live.
'I will wake up the sun.'
For great is Your faithfulness to me.
'I will thank you, O Lord,
Among the nations.
Your constant love reaches the heavens;
Your faithfulness touches the skies.'

Amen.

Vanity or Sanity?

Is it weird and vain that I like to listen to myself sing?
...especially songs by Alison Krauss, Mindy Smith, and Black Eyed Peas...

:)

from February 2007

I lost my cell phone
Along with my mind.
Wherever they are,
I hope they're together.

An awkward sunset

I am lonely as I stand before Your sunset.
I want him next to me,
But instead it's You.
Forgive me, Father, for wishing it was him.
At the same time, I am hopeful...
And happy to be there alone with You.
We stand there together as I cry, and grapple,
And hold my breaking heart.
You hold my breaking heart.
And for a moment, I find no joy in Your sunset.
All I see is loss.
All I see is that I've lost the sun...
And I'm all alone
With a sky on fire for You.
And for a moment, I find pure joy in Your sunset--
A promise of the sun's return tomorrow
After it visits the other lonely creatures
Of this small, lonely world.
I am not the only lonely one tonight.
You comfort me with this sad truth.
And you remind me I am not alone...
I am never alone.
In this dark, empty apartment,
Sits the Son.
And when I sit with Him,
He either cries with me,
Or dries all my tears away.

Double Tall Mocha

Her hand grabs the coffee in front of me,
And I see she's wearing my ring.
I almost add vomit to her double tall mocha,
Instead of whipped cream.
All I can do to keep from making a scene
Is to listen to her story of "how it all worked out..."
How true, lasting love does exist--
Not just in the world,
but in my neighborhood.
Хвала Бога.
You do come through.

Musings on Manning's writings

(Quotations are from A Glimpse of Jesus by Brennan Manning):

"'To be a disciple, and thus different from the unconverted pagan, means being as the heavenly Father is: perfect,' writes Scriptures scholar Donald Senior. 'Luke uses the word merciful (6:36). Both terms can be reduced to the same reality. For perfect in Matthew's context means whole, complete. To be whole or complete, as the Father is complete, means loving with limitless compassion...Following Jesus in his ministry of compassion defines the meaning of being perfect as your heavenly is perfect'" (69-70).

I have always wrestled with that command--to be perfect as God is perfect. I always interpreted it as the latter option in the following quotation:

"Jesus confronts us with a choice...Open up to letting yourself be loved by my Father and living a life of compassion, or return to the regime of secure piety and well-regulated virtue" (71).

But appparently I was wrong? Hmm. It's not that being wrong is holding me up but being wrong for so long about something I thought was so right.
It's not that I've continued to preach that it means "not sinning and following a moral code." I haven't. I've preached the "loving" version, like Manning. But I haven't actually believed it or lived it or let it transform me.

That's why his writings hit me so hard this morning. To do as Jesus commands means loving myself with "limitless compassion" and loving others with the same. That's all that is asked of me. And yet this loving of myself has always been the hardest thing for me to do. But Manning is saying it is what God wants? God wants me to receive His limitless compassion and love myself with it the same way?
I get the connection between loving self and loving others. Weird how I always forget this knowledge that "I get."

So maybe for me, "taking up my cross daily and following Christ" means daily opening myself up to be loved by God which translates into love for myself and moves through and out of me as active love for others.

Cool.

Parallels, Please

This song by Jars of Clay is how I have been feeling lately and how I was feeling as I drove home tonight:

"I am a house that is divided in my heart and in my mind.
....
I use one hand to pull You closer, the other to push You away, (pause)
but if I had two hands doing the same thing,
lifted high, lifted high...."

Lately it's like I have a fettish for right angles--I've got one arm lifted up toward the heavens, wanting to both give and receive,
and the other out in front of me, wanting to keep God at bay.

Yet I'm aching for both limbs to do the same thing.

Tonight I was raising one hand to God and the other was flipping Him off.
Fuck cancer.
Who can I take my anger out on? Cancer's not a "who," and no human is responsible.
Guess that leaves God. So He got the middle finger tonight.

I never thought I would be so irreverent.
I know He understands.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Like a Movie

You know in movies the scene where a single woman walks into her small and cluttered apartment at night all alone, wearing grey and black clothes, and looking exhausted and sad? Where she either lays her bag on the couch and looks around at her apartment which is a metaphor of her life or goes into the kitchen and sticks a tv dinner lasagna in the microwave? You know the music that usually accompanies those scenes? I wish that really happened. I wish that when I walked into my dark apartment tonight, sad and alone, that music started playing--music that fit my mood perfectly and evoked a sense of empathy and understanding in the imaginery viewers of my stage. Maybe "If I Were a Boy" by Beyoncee. Or, "That Dress Looks Nice on You" by Sufjan Stevens. No no, it would be "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.

Definitely.

"What is love? [God] don't hurt me. Don't hurt me...No more"

Currently, I don't know if God loves me.

This is not because I feel too ashamed or "sinful" (and i'm definitely NOT looking for pity) but because I actually do not know what I believe about if or how God loves human beings. This has been quite a distressful doubting experience, to say the least. Sometimes I just want to be indifferent, and for the first time in my life, I have little hiccups of apathy.
Yesterday afternoon my spiritual director suggested that I "re-imagine" God (yeah yeah another one of those Emerging Church words & suggestions). But, I think there's merit to it--At least I hope so...I'm kinda "at the end of my rope", as the saying goes. She suggested I start with a "clean slate," a non-image of God. She suggested I ask God to show me who God is--and to be open to these "showings" through any and all mediums I happen upon--including experiences, Scripture, dreams, and conversations. She suggested I continually, throughout the day, ask myself, "Who is God to me?"
Last night, Andy confronted me about how much it hurt him when I lied to him a couple weeks ago. It was not a shaming confrontation. His purpose was to reconcile with me, to tell me how much he loved me--to restore our distance. He closed his eyes and as tears started streaming down his face, I saw who God is...and who I need God to be for me. With his eyes closed, Andy told me how much it hurts him when I do not tell him the truth; how much it hurts him to have feelings of his own inadequacy as a partner to me; how much it hurts him when all he wants is to love me deeply, and I won't love him back by being truthful. I saw who God is.
I saw a God not disappointed but understanding. I saw a God not enraged but wanting relationship. I saw a God not looking away because of sin but moving toward me longing real intimacy. I saw a God who loved me. A God who loved ME. Who LOVED me. Me.

If this man sitting here with me is created in the Image of God, then right now he must somehow, even if just a little bit, reflect who God is.

~A-M, 2/11/09

Linda Momma

I wanted to call her 'Mom.'
I always had the urge to
But felt I should wait.
I wanted to call her 'Momma.'
Wish we could have talked
About all the cute memories she had
Of Andy when he was young.
I wanted to hear the classics--
His first words, the ways she made him laugh...
And vice versa.
But now I can't;
And I hate it.
We were going to be good friends.
I was going to call her 'Mom.'
We were going to dance at the wedding,
And give God thanks for her healing...
But there was none.

So goodbye, Momma.
We miss you.

~A-M, 2/2/09