Voy a estar una nina…
una nina de mi Padre.
Soy la nina…El es el Padre.
Estaré una nina y dormiré en paz.
Voy a tomarle la mano
y caminar con El .

Happy to be Alive

"Now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since You took my heavy heart and made it light. And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive."

~For the last 5 years, most of the time I have sang this simple, not-deep-at-all chorus by Relient K praying that someday I could sing it truthfully; that someday I could breathe in deeply and sing with a full, warm heart that I was happy to be alive.

...and today I did.

Today I did.

I was sweeping up coffee grounds behind the bar where I work at Muse Coffee. This song came on. I was singing along as usual, with the normal feeling of dread that comes over me when I hear this song because it harshly reminds me that I don't feel the way I'm saying I feel as I sing along.

But today I did.

Today I am happy to be alive. I am so happy to be alive. I am so happy that I am happy to be alive.

Because this is so NEW for me.

And it's not just today...it's been a couple months now where I have woken up wanting to be alive...grateful to be alive. I wake up every morning fearing this will end--that i'll wake up depressed with a dark heaviness again...like I'm used to.

But I don't.

I knelt down on that coffee ground covered floor with broom and dustpan in hand and reflected on times in the recent past where I had wanted to end my life--where I was in such despair and hopelessness...and how good God has been to me throughout.

I thanked God over and over again in multiple languages-

Thank you, God. Thank you thank you thank you.
Gracias, padre. Gracias gracias gracias.
Спасибо Богу. Спасибо cпасибо cпасибо.

You have taken my heavy heart and made it light.
You have given me the gift of enjoying my life.

And I am happy to be alive.