You know in movies the scene where a single woman walks into her small and cluttered apartment at night all alone, wearing grey and black clothes, and looking exhausted and sad? Where she either lays her bag on the couch and looks around at her apartment which is a metaphor of her life or goes into the kitchen and sticks a tv dinner lasagna in the microwave? You know the music that usually accompanies those scenes? I wish that really happened. I wish that when I walked into my dark apartment tonight, sad and alone, that music started playing--music that fit my mood perfectly and evoked a sense of empathy and understanding in the imaginery viewers of my stage. Maybe "If I Were a Boy" by Beyoncee. Or, "That Dress Looks Nice on You" by Sufjan Stevens. No no, it would be "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.
Definitely.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
"What is love? [God] don't hurt me. Don't hurt me...No more"
Currently, I don't know if God loves me.
This is not because I feel too ashamed or "sinful" (and i'm definitely NOT looking for pity) but because I actually do not know what I believe about if or how God loves human beings. This has been quite a distressful doubting experience, to say the least. Sometimes I just want to be indifferent, and for the first time in my life, I have little hiccups of apathy.
Yesterday afternoon my spiritual director suggested that I "re-imagine" God (yeah yeah another one of those Emerging Church words & suggestions). But, I think there's merit to it--At least I hope so...I'm kinda "at the end of my rope", as the saying goes. She suggested I start with a "clean slate," a non-image of God. She suggested I ask God to show me who God is--and to be open to these "showings" through any and all mediums I happen upon--including experiences, Scripture, dreams, and conversations. She suggested I continually, throughout the day, ask myself, "Who is God to me?"
Last night, Andy confronted me about how much it hurt him when I lied to him a couple weeks ago. It was not a shaming confrontation. His purpose was to reconcile with me, to tell me how much he loved me--to restore our distance. He closed his eyes and as tears started streaming down his face, I saw who God is...and who I need God to be for me. With his eyes closed, Andy told me how much it hurts him when I do not tell him the truth; how much it hurts him to have feelings of his own inadequacy as a partner to me; how much it hurts him when all he wants is to love me deeply, and I won't love him back by being truthful. I saw who God is.
I saw a God not disappointed but understanding. I saw a God not enraged but wanting relationship. I saw a God not looking away because of sin but moving toward me longing real intimacy. I saw a God who loved me. A God who loved ME. Who LOVED me. Me.
If this man sitting here with me is created in the Image of God, then right now he must somehow, even if just a little bit, reflect who God is.
~A-M, 2/11/09
This is not because I feel too ashamed or "sinful" (and i'm definitely NOT looking for pity) but because I actually do not know what I believe about if or how God loves human beings. This has been quite a distressful doubting experience, to say the least. Sometimes I just want to be indifferent, and for the first time in my life, I have little hiccups of apathy.
Yesterday afternoon my spiritual director suggested that I "re-imagine" God (yeah yeah another one of those Emerging Church words & suggestions). But, I think there's merit to it--At least I hope so...I'm kinda "at the end of my rope", as the saying goes. She suggested I start with a "clean slate," a non-image of God. She suggested I ask God to show me who God is--and to be open to these "showings" through any and all mediums I happen upon--including experiences, Scripture, dreams, and conversations. She suggested I continually, throughout the day, ask myself, "Who is God to me?"
Last night, Andy confronted me about how much it hurt him when I lied to him a couple weeks ago. It was not a shaming confrontation. His purpose was to reconcile with me, to tell me how much he loved me--to restore our distance. He closed his eyes and as tears started streaming down his face, I saw who God is...and who I need God to be for me. With his eyes closed, Andy told me how much it hurts him when I do not tell him the truth; how much it hurts him to have feelings of his own inadequacy as a partner to me; how much it hurts him when all he wants is to love me deeply, and I won't love him back by being truthful. I saw who God is.
I saw a God not disappointed but understanding. I saw a God not enraged but wanting relationship. I saw a God not looking away because of sin but moving toward me longing real intimacy. I saw a God who loved me. A God who loved ME. Who LOVED me. Me.
If this man sitting here with me is created in the Image of God, then right now he must somehow, even if just a little bit, reflect who God is.
~A-M, 2/11/09
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Linda Momma
I wanted to call her 'Mom.'
I always had the urge to
But felt I should wait.
I wanted to call her 'Momma.'
Wish we could have talked
About all the cute memories she had
Of Andy when he was young.
I wanted to hear the classics--
His first words, the ways she made him laugh...
And vice versa.
But now I can't;
And I hate it.
We were going to be good friends.
I was going to call her 'Mom.'
We were going to dance at the wedding,
And give God thanks for her healing...
But there was none.
So goodbye, Momma.
We miss you.
~A-M, 2/2/09
I always had the urge to
But felt I should wait.
I wanted to call her 'Momma.'
Wish we could have talked
About all the cute memories she had
Of Andy when he was young.
I wanted to hear the classics--
His first words, the ways she made him laugh...
And vice versa.
But now I can't;
And I hate it.
We were going to be good friends.
I was going to call her 'Mom.'
We were going to dance at the wedding,
And give God thanks for her healing...
But there was none.
So goodbye, Momma.
We miss you.
~A-M, 2/2/09
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