Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Musings on Manning's writings

(Quotations are from A Glimpse of Jesus by Brennan Manning):

"'To be a disciple, and thus different from the unconverted pagan, means being as the heavenly Father is: perfect,' writes Scriptures scholar Donald Senior. 'Luke uses the word merciful (6:36). Both terms can be reduced to the same reality. For perfect in Matthew's context means whole, complete. To be whole or complete, as the Father is complete, means loving with limitless compassion...Following Jesus in his ministry of compassion defines the meaning of being perfect as your heavenly is perfect'" (69-70).

I have always wrestled with that command--to be perfect as God is perfect. I always interpreted it as the latter option in the following quotation:

"Jesus confronts us with a choice...Open up to letting yourself be loved by my Father and living a life of compassion, or return to the regime of secure piety and well-regulated virtue" (71).

But appparently I was wrong? Hmm. It's not that being wrong is holding me up but being wrong for so long about something I thought was so right.
It's not that I've continued to preach that it means "not sinning and following a moral code." I haven't. I've preached the "loving" version, like Manning. But I haven't actually believed it or lived it or let it transform me.

That's why his writings hit me so hard this morning. To do as Jesus commands means loving myself with "limitless compassion" and loving others with the same. That's all that is asked of me. And yet this loving of myself has always been the hardest thing for me to do. But Manning is saying it is what God wants? God wants me to receive His limitless compassion and love myself with it the same way?
I get the connection between loving self and loving others. Weird how I always forget this knowledge that "I get."

So maybe for me, "taking up my cross daily and following Christ" means daily opening myself up to be loved by God which translates into love for myself and moves through and out of me as active love for others.

Cool.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Parallels, Please

This song by Jars of Clay is how I have been feeling lately and how I was feeling as I drove home tonight:

"I am a house that is divided in my heart and in my mind.
....
I use one hand to pull You closer, the other to push You away, (pause)
but if I had two hands doing the same thing,
lifted high, lifted high...."

Lately it's like I have a fettish for right angles--I've got one arm lifted up toward the heavens, wanting to both give and receive,
and the other out in front of me, wanting to keep God at bay.

Yet I'm aching for both limbs to do the same thing.

Tonight I was raising one hand to God and the other was flipping Him off.
Fuck cancer.
Who can I take my anger out on? Cancer's not a "who," and no human is responsible.
Guess that leaves God. So He got the middle finger tonight.

I never thought I would be so irreverent.
I know He understands.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.