you are so brave (Just Keep Telling Yourself That)

"So you're functioning?
So, you are functioning."

I feel ashamed;
She says I'm brave:
"Oh. So you do things. You see people. Oh."
How does this happen?

I get myself up and showered.
I put on my make-up, feed myself oatmeal, take my pills at 11 a.m., feed Pishy, read my daily Melody Beattie reading, and am out the door almost on time to meet Serena at 12:15. I feed myself lunch, order coffee, sit at a cafe with my friend chatting and calm. I interview for 3 hours straight with 6 different people, 1/2 an hour each. I come across as confident but not overbearing or gregarious.
How does this happen?

I get myself to Broadway Grill at 5 p.m., order a rum and coke and some sweet potato fries.
I comfort the woman sitting next to me who has been cheated on by her lover and is drinking away her sorrows--subconsciously begging the alcohol to give her the strength to walk away and not look back. I tell her she deserves to be treated so well. I go walk through some stores, touch some soft fabrics, day dream about what i'd do if i had money...and what i wouldn't do...what i shouldn't do (says who?).

Then, I drive myself home, tell my family it went well but I have no energy to talk about it. I feed Pishy. I eat dinner and talk to my family. I take a nap before Lost and then watch Lost with my family.

From the time I walked in the house until now, I have been on a downward spiral of feeling more and more...what is the word....there really is not one to describe this process or these feelings.
I start feeling more and more....down. Drained. Lacklust. Disinterested. Unexcited (is that a word?). And, something like hopeless but not quite. I feel paralyzed, overwhelmed, like i'm suffocating.
How does this happen?

So I say to myself, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me. Have mercy on me."
My face gets really hot. My throat hurts. I feel like I can't move. All I can do is sit on this couch and watch V. Oh, that's not all I can do.
I reflect.

I reflect on every single thought, word, action, silence, physical symptom, reaction, feeling I have and have had. I reflect right now on why i'm writing this and why I'm saying this.
I don't just BE.

oh Anne-Marie,

Be.