This song by Jars of Clay is how I have been feeling lately and how I was feeling as I drove home tonight:
"I am a house that is divided in my heart and in my mind.
....
I use one hand to pull You closer, the other to push You away, (pause)
but if I had two hands doing the same thing,
lifted high, lifted high...."
Lately it's like I have a fettish for right angles--I've got one arm lifted up toward the heavens, wanting to both give and receive,
and the other out in front of me, wanting to keep God at bay.
Yet I'm aching for both limbs to do the same thing.
Tonight I was raising one hand to God and the other was flipping Him off.
Fuck cancer.
Who can I take my anger out on? Cancer's not a "who," and no human is responsible.
Guess that leaves God. So He got the middle finger tonight.
I never thought I would be so irreverent.
I know He understands.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
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