"What is love? [God] don't hurt me. Don't hurt me...No more"

Currently, I don't know if God loves me.

This is not because I feel too ashamed or "sinful" (and i'm definitely NOT looking for pity) but because I actually do not know what I believe about if or how God loves human beings. This has been quite a distressful doubting experience, to say the least. Sometimes I just want to be indifferent, and for the first time in my life, I have little hiccups of apathy.
Yesterday afternoon my spiritual director suggested that I "re-imagine" God (yeah yeah another one of those Emerging Church words & suggestions). But, I think there's merit to it--At least I hope so...I'm kinda "at the end of my rope", as the saying goes. She suggested I start with a "clean slate," a non-image of God. She suggested I ask God to show me who God is--and to be open to these "showings" through any and all mediums I happen upon--including experiences, Scripture, dreams, and conversations. She suggested I continually, throughout the day, ask myself, "Who is God to me?"
Last night, Andy confronted me about how much it hurt him when I lied to him a couple weeks ago. It was not a shaming confrontation. His purpose was to reconcile with me, to tell me how much he loved me--to restore our distance. He closed his eyes and as tears started streaming down his face, I saw who God is...and who I need God to be for me. With his eyes closed, Andy told me how much it hurts him when I do not tell him the truth; how much it hurts him to have feelings of his own inadequacy as a partner to me; how much it hurts him when all he wants is to love me deeply, and I won't love him back by being truthful. I saw who God is.
I saw a God not disappointed but understanding. I saw a God not enraged but wanting relationship. I saw a God not looking away because of sin but moving toward me longing real intimacy. I saw a God who loved me. A God who loved ME. Who LOVED me. Me.

If this man sitting here with me is created in the Image of God, then right now he must somehow, even if just a little bit, reflect who God is.

~A-M, 2/11/09