Esperanza

It's odd not having written for 3 weeks...
It's only been 3 weeks?
...Feels like months since Dec. 1.

Holy shit.

Today the hope of the resurrection of the dead
started to click.

The hope started to permeate within me.
Finally.
It moved from my head down to my heart.
I felt warmer.
I felt the endorphins pumping into me,
as my mood shifted from depressed
To excitement about being alive--about
Seeing Aunt Judy again.

So fucking weird, cuz i'm so fucking pissed off.

Yet, after we buried her in the ground
And drove away,
I was thinking about all I've been reading in Surprised by Hope.
...And how much MORE there is to come.
How our life here is just the beginning.
Yet, now we have to go through it without her...
It still fucking sucks so much.

Yet, i'm starting to feel it.

Yo puedo sentirla; esperanza.

Math major at heart

Yes.

I am reminded what a math nerd I am.

I typed the word 'equation' when i meant 'occasion':

"On more than one EQUATION I have been told..."

CLASSIC.

cancer at christmas

I HATE cancer.

It's been a year since Andy's mom died, and I still cry about it. I still miss her. I still sometimes can't believe she's gone. I still want to hug Andy and tell him how sorry I am and put my hand on his back during service when we pray for those who've died. It still hurts so much.

My aunt is dying from cancer right now. She has 3 young teenage kids. We are all like brothers and sisters. It's Thanksgiving and we all forgot the life-long tradition of going around the table and saying what we're thankful for. ....why?

My adopted grandpa's wife (Dr. Lemcio's wife, Diane) just got diagnosed with lymphoma cancer.

So I started to feel angry at God tonight--
then I felt like He said, "And you think I like it?"
He said it with attitude...'in your face'-like.

He HATES cancer too.

Voy a estar una nina…
una nina de mi Padre.
Soy la nina…El es el Padre.
Estaré una nina y dormiré en paz.
Voy a tomarle la mano
y caminar con El .

Happy to be Alive

"Now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since You took my heavy heart and made it light. And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive."

~For the last 5 years, most of the time I have sang this simple, not-deep-at-all chorus by Relient K praying that someday I could sing it truthfully; that someday I could breathe in deeply and sing with a full, warm heart that I was happy to be alive.

...and today I did.

Today I did.

I was sweeping up coffee grounds behind the bar where I work at Muse Coffee. This song came on. I was singing along as usual, with the normal feeling of dread that comes over me when I hear this song because it harshly reminds me that I don't feel the way I'm saying I feel as I sing along.

But today I did.

Today I am happy to be alive. I am so happy to be alive. I am so happy that I am happy to be alive.

Because this is so NEW for me.

And it's not just today...it's been a couple months now where I have woken up wanting to be alive...grateful to be alive. I wake up every morning fearing this will end--that i'll wake up depressed with a dark heaviness again...like I'm used to.

But I don't.

I knelt down on that coffee ground covered floor with broom and dustpan in hand and reflected on times in the recent past where I had wanted to end my life--where I was in such despair and hopelessness...and how good God has been to me throughout.

I thanked God over and over again in multiple languages-

Thank you, God. Thank you thank you thank you.
Gracias, padre. Gracias gracias gracias.
Спасибо Богу. Спасибо cпасибо cпасибо.

You have taken my heavy heart and made it light.
You have given me the gift of enjoying my life.

And I am happy to be alive.

Pouring Hope

When you're blindsided and deceived
And chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see
The writing on the wall

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that's
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us

When it's hard for you to breathe
Keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be
Just to be yourself sometimes

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that's
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us

~Mindy Smith

This is an awful ad.