Voy a estar una nina…
una nina de mi Padre.
Soy la nina…El es el Padre.
Estaré una nina y dormiré en paz.
Voy a tomarle la mano
y caminar con El .

Happy to be Alive

"Now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since You took my heavy heart and made it light. And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive."

~For the last 5 years, most of the time I have sang this simple, not-deep-at-all chorus by Relient K praying that someday I could sing it truthfully; that someday I could breathe in deeply and sing with a full, warm heart that I was happy to be alive.

...and today I did.

Today I did.

I was sweeping up coffee grounds behind the bar where I work at Muse Coffee. This song came on. I was singing along as usual, with the normal feeling of dread that comes over me when I hear this song because it harshly reminds me that I don't feel the way I'm saying I feel as I sing along.

But today I did.

Today I am happy to be alive. I am so happy to be alive. I am so happy that I am happy to be alive.

Because this is so NEW for me.

And it's not just today...it's been a couple months now where I have woken up wanting to be alive...grateful to be alive. I wake up every morning fearing this will end--that i'll wake up depressed with a dark heaviness again...like I'm used to.

But I don't.

I knelt down on that coffee ground covered floor with broom and dustpan in hand and reflected on times in the recent past where I had wanted to end my life--where I was in such despair and hopelessness...and how good God has been to me throughout.

I thanked God over and over again in multiple languages-

Thank you, God. Thank you thank you thank you.
Gracias, padre. Gracias gracias gracias.
Спасибо Богу. Спасибо cпасибо cпасибо.

You have taken my heavy heart and made it light.
You have given me the gift of enjoying my life.

And I am happy to be alive.

Pouring Hope

When you're blindsided and deceived
And chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see
The writing on the wall

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that's
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us

When it's hard for you to breathe
Keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be
Just to be yourself sometimes

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that's
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us

~Mindy Smith

This is an awful ad.

Psalm 56...my prayer and consolation

Be merciful to me, O God,
because I am under attack;
my enemies persecute me all the time.
All day long my opponents attack me.
There are so many who fight against me.

When I am afraid, O LORD Almighty,
I put my trust in You.
I trust in God and am not afraid;
I praise Him for what He has promised.
What can a mere human being do to me?

You know how troubled I am;
You have kept record of my tears.
Aren't they listed in Your book?
The day I call to You,
my enemies will be turned back.

I know this:
God is on my side--
the LORD, whose promises I praise.
In Him I trust, and I will not be afraid.
What can a mere human being do to me?

O God, I will offer You what I have promised;
I will give you my offering of thanksgiving,
because You have rescued me from death
and kept me from defeat.

And so I walk in the presence of God,
in the light that shines on the living.

WTF?

I hate porn.
I hate how accessible it is.
I hate how "normal" it is.
I hate how men are basically encouraged to look at it...
like there is something wrong with them if they don't.

I mean, What the fuck?

Where did/do these totally "non-intrinsic to us" ideas come from?

And how can women support it?
How the hell do some women promote porn as liberating and feministic?
How in the world have the Playboy bunnies become ROLE MODELS for young girls?

I mean, What the fuck?

I'm so effing confused.

What have we become?

.
.
.

As We Are Held

For far too long,
I’ve been far less brave than I’d like to be.
And I’ve stood here for two years with you,
Afraid every morning that the sun is through;
Always worrying it has better things to do.
Yet, on me, it continues to rise.

And so it is with the Son;
He chases me all day long.
And for too many years I’ve continued to run;
But today I stopped…and turned around.

He said there’s nothing wrong with me,
That I don’t need to be anything but Anne-Marie.
That from my fear, He’s dying to set me free…
And dying, He’s already done.

So I threw off my fear and
Exhaled it out of my lungs.
In return, He offered me the wine of love.
He kissed my forehead saying,
‘Child, you don’t need to run…
Anywhere but into My arms.’

So that is where I reside this eve.
And even better, so do you...

*We hold each other as we are held*