Perichoretic Living

Fall's Frailty

2011-10-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

It's Fall again;The earth's season suits my life's.Things are dying, falling apart.There's a 'hunkering-down' occurring,But not without hope eventual re-emergence.There's a 'going inside myself';A searching of my own depths-An acceptance of what is thereAnd of what I want to be there.God is trying to grant me the serenityTo accept the things I cannot change...Like the yellow Maple leaves Fluttering outside my window,Who fall without their choosing.We fear our own beautiful frailty.

Propoganda of Satan (reap what you sow)

2011-08-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

this makes me so angry and sad.

look at lesson 11 small group application:

http://www.childrendesiringgod.org/documents/samples/rggd_journal_sample.pdf

The KCB

2011-08-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

How do you get through the day when the Kingdom of Corporate Business pays your salary?
...When this kingdom appears to be trampling the Kingdom of God?
'The Man' has set itself up in my chair, as king of 40+ hours of my week.
Oops, I don't mean 'my' week.
This is God's week.

See.
I'm starting to think things are MINE.

The weight is so heavy.
I keep forgetting the world is not black and white.

New Good Music of 2011

2011-07-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

Paper Route -- especially their song "second chances"
Azure Ray
Bon Iver
Arcade Fire
Rosie Thomas
Motopony
Allen Stone
Beach House
Gregory Alan Isakov
The song "Laughing with" by Regina Spektor
The song "Lights" by Rihanna and Kanye West

Albums of the last year (last July - July '11):
--"Age of Ads", Sufjan Stevens
--"The Suburbs", Arcade Fire
--"King of Diamonds", Motopony
--The National
--"The Valley", Eisley
--"Recovery", Eminem
--"Neon Bible", Arcade Fire; particularly the song, "My Body is a Cage"

Give to Caesar what is Caesar's

2011-05-31T10:22:00.000-07:00

"Frequently as Christians, we want to jump in with answers to questions without really thinking about the assumptions in people’s minds concerning the issue at hand. In Matthew 22, Jesus is asked whether it is right to pay taxes to Caesar or not. Jesus knows that the question is a trap.

Israel was under occupation by the Romans, who were regarded by the Jews as the evil oppressors. To pay taxes, and certainly to collect them, was seen to be strengthening the hand of the enemy. Was not Israel God’s chosen people? Was this not their land? Surely to help the Romans was to go against God himself? In the minds of the listeners, if Jesus is going to be on God’s side, he is expected to say no. If he says no, it will get back to the authorities, and he will be arrested - which is what the questioners want. If he says yes then he will loose the respect of the people. As far as the questioners are concerned, it is a win / win situation."
[http://www.bethinking.org/what-is-apologetics/intermediate/the-biblical-mandate-for-apologetics.htm]
---

So was Jesus actually telling them to pay their taxes?
Is the interpretation really that obvious?

Given the context, it seems just as likely (if not more likely), that if this weren't a trap, and there were no consequences to how he answered, he would have said 'No' to paying taxes. He says, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And doesn't Jesus, more often than not, always say that EVERYTHING is God's? So would not all money be God's money as well?

--> Look into the possibility that "High Priest" was written on the back of the coin; the blasphemy of this.

...Shane Claiborne on this at http://www.redletterchristians.org/give-to-uncle-sam-what-is-uncle-sams-tax-season-war-resistance/

Thank You for not hurting me

2010-12-05T14:23:00.001-08:00

...

Thanks for not hurting me.
Thanks for not hurting me.
Thanks for not hurting me.
Thanks for not hurting me.

You are gentle with me.
you are gentle with me.
You are gentle with me.
You are gentle with me.

Thank you for holding me,
And saying I could be.
Thank you for saying, baby,
Thank you for holding me.

Thank you for having me.
Thank you for having me.
Thank you for having me
Thank you thank you for having me.

Thank you for breaking my heart
Thank you for tearing me apart
Now I'm a strong smart heart
Thank you for breaking my heart.

~Sinead O'Connor

...Wow. All of a sudden when she started singing, "Thank you for not hurting me," I felt I could weep. It went right to the core of my heart. Thank you, Jesus, Thank you, God, Thank you you Jesus, for not hurting me.

Thank you for not yelling and cussing at me.
Thank you for not cheating on me.
Thank you for not lying to me.
Thank you for not blaming me.
Thank you for not manipulating me.
Thank you for not sexually abusing me.
Thank you for not verbally abusing me.
Thank you for not degrading me.
Thank you for not demeaning me.
Thank you for not hitting me.
Thank you for not slapping me.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for not hurting me.
Thank you for not hurting me.
Thank you for not hurting me.
Thank you for not hurting me.

2010-08-31T15:34:00.001-07:00

A heart-warming and encouraging sentence from my co-worker to me:

"You help me remember to take care of myself."

.
.
.

Gracias, Jesus. Que sea verdad.

American Patriotism = Christianity

2010-06-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

Today I opened my e-mail inbox to find the article, "Who Are Americans?
What Christians contribute to the search for a national identity," by Chuck Colson and Catherine Larson. I had to respond. This article epitomizes the deception that American patriotism = Christianity. Please see my brief response below, after the article:

"Who Are Americans?
What Christians contribute to the search for a national identity"

Nations around the world are suffering from identity crises. Perhaps it began two decades ago, when the last European holdouts were dragged in and the European Union was finally established, a move described by one journalist as "the triumph of the Eurocrats over the peoples of Europe." More recently, The New York Times reported on France's efforts to articulate its national identity. Soon thereafter, controversy erupted when Switzerland banned the construction of Muslim minarets. The Times and Forbes have reported on identity crises facing South Korea and China, as immigration makes largely homogenous nations increasingly diverse.

All these reports raise the question, "Who are we?"—which is also the title of scholar Samuel P. Huntington's final and most prophetic book. "The more general causes of these … questionings," wrote Huntington, "include the emergence of a global economy, tremendous improvements in communications and transportation, rising levels of migration, [and] the global expansion of democracy …."

There's also an identity crisis bubbling just under the surface in the United States.

Huntington documents several challenges to a cohesive sense of American identity. First, while early settlers and immigrants were never ethnically homogenous, they largely traded in the same Anglo-Protestant cultural currency. But as 21st-century demographic trends increasingly draw people from other quadrants of the world, shared cultural assumptions erode.

Exacerbating the problem is a rise in dual citizenship and more subnational identities, which have created divided loyalties. Meanwhile, in the business community, an increasingly globalized economy has caused leaders to adopt a more transnational identity, what some call "Davos man." And aside from a temporary resurgence of patriotism after September 11, Huntington documents how academic elites have led the way in devaluing patriotism and American history.

We rightly pride ourselves on our multiethnic, multiracial society. But as our society grows ever more diverse, how will we understand our national identity?

Huntington poses four possible solutions. The first is a creedal community whose identity exists only in a social contract embodied in the Declaration of Independence and other founding documents. This has historically provided cohesion. The next option is a bifurcated America, one that is bilingual and bicultural like Canada or Belgium. The third option is an exclusivist or imperial notion of America. And the last alternative, the one Huntington clearly favored, is a reinvigorated core culture and religion coupled with the earlier solution of a reinvigorated creedal community.

Can a Christian worldview inform us as we wrestle with our national identity?

Any kind of racially or ethnically intolerant society would be incompatible with Christian principles.

Further, we know that the core values of our creeds, which in particular promote the dignity of all people, resonate with Scripture and are worth preserving. American patriotism does not rest on jingoistic nationalism but on a universal creed that says, "All men are … endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights."

Liberty is one of those unalienable rights. And this core value, also emphasized in Scripture, teaches us that we cannot force beliefs on others. Our founders understood, however, that freedom of religion is not synonymous with expunging religion from public life, a problem that I and others addressed last fall in the Manhattan Declaration. So if Huntington is in fact right that the U.S. needs a reinvigorated religious commitment, it won't come from a nation-mandated religion but rather from a reinvigorated populace.
believe, then, that for national identity to be salient in the midst of our changing society, we need to promote a recommitment to our creeds, a respect for American history, and a proper role of patriotism, rooted in love of neighbor. Our founders' Judeo-Christian heritage helped produce a culture in which moral responsibility, transcendent ethical principles, and the dignity of all people could flourish—a culture in which our creedal values made sense. This is why our role as leaven within society is so important, and why we must continue to bring a biblical influence to the public square, reinvigorating society.

As we do so, we must guard against the easy tendency to embrace xenophobic notions or fall into the equally perilous trap of promoting subcultural identities over national identity. People will not live with, let alone die for, a nation that has abandoned its religious moorings and adopted a creed that suggests we simply live together in cosmopolitan bliss. Millions of us, however, have been willing to live and die for beliefs rooted in our deepest convictions about God and man—convictions that were expressed so well in the stirring words of our national creed, the Declaration of Independence.

Copyright © 2010 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/june/19.49.html

Anne-Marie's Response #1:
Was not Jesus absolutely clear about our allegiance being to the Kingdom of God and not to any earthly kingdom (in our case, the United States of America)? He was no proponent of His followers having or preserving a "national identity" or of patriotism to any empire, nation, or kingdom other than his Father's. He said his Kingdom was not of this world even though it was and is "now at hand," within this world. Jesus is Lord, Caesar is not. Jesus is Lord, America is not.
That to say, I do not understand why we as Christ’s followers should be interested in maintaining or "reinvigorating" our American, national identity. The author(s) warn of the “perilous trap of promoting subcultural identities over national identity.” Is not this, in fact, EXACTLY what Jesus taught us to do? Jesus charged us to live into our subcultural identity as Children of God, Disciples of Christ—Kingdom People who “promote”/share the Gospel of love and self-sacrifice, not the Gospel of America or any other worldly institution. I encourage readers to open the 4 Gospels again, read them beginning to end, and listen to what Christ says about our allegiance to his Kingdom.

Anne-Marie's Response #2 to God's Lion Posted: June 26, 2010 5:12 PM
God's Lion-- Isn't it God's love, compassion, and forgiveness that has the power to change humans' behavior much more so than the fear of God or the fear of punishment? This has been my experience--my heart and actions have changed way more because of God's love and forgiveness than from God's wrath; from His mercy, not shame. AND where are you getting your Biblical support from to "smash" the heathens as the way to illicit change? Wasn't Jesus always caught dining with them, healing them, forgiving them? Most of the time, it was pious, self-righteous Pharisees or Religious people (possibly like yourself?) whom he was condemning and calling judgment on. It is time we take the plank out of our own eye FIRST.

you are so brave (Just Keep Telling Yourself That)

2010-05-04T23:35:00.000-07:00

"So you're functioning?
So, you are functioning."

I feel ashamed;
She says I'm brave:
"Oh. So you do things. You see people. Oh."
How does this happen?

I get myself up and showered.
I put on my make-up, feed myself oatmeal, take my pills at 11 a.m., feed Pishy, read my daily Melody Beattie reading, and am out the door almost on time to meet Serena at 12:15. I feed myself lunch, order coffee, sit at a cafe with my friend chatting and calm. I interview for 3 hours straight with 6 different people, 1/2 an hour each. I come across as confident but not overbearing or gregarious.
How does this happen?

I get myself to Broadway Grill at 5 p.m., order a rum and coke and some sweet potato fries.
I comfort the woman sitting next to me who has been cheated on by her lover and is drinking away her sorrows--subconsciously begging the alcohol to give her the strength to walk away and not look back. I tell her she deserves to be treated so well. I go walk through some stores, touch some soft fabrics, day dream about what i'd do if i had money...and what i wouldn't do...what i shouldn't do (says who?).

Then, I drive myself home, tell my family it went well but I have no energy to talk about it. I feed Pishy. I eat dinner and talk to my family. I take a nap before Lost and then watch Lost with my family.

From the time I walked in the house until now, I have been on a downward spiral of feeling more and more...what is the word....there really is not one to describe this process or these feelings.
I start feeling more and more....down. Drained. Lacklust. Disinterested. Unexcited (is that a word?). And, something like hopeless but not quite. I feel paralyzed, overwhelmed, like i'm suffocating.
How does this happen?

So I say to myself, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me. Have mercy on me."
My face gets really hot. My throat hurts. I feel like I can't move. All I can do is sit on this couch and watch V. Oh, that's not all I can do.
I reflect.

I reflect on every single thought, word, action, silence, physical symptom, reaction, feeling I have and have had. I reflect right now on why i'm writing this and why I'm saying this.
I don't just BE.

oh Anne-Marie,

Be.

Love

2010-03-04T23:51:00.000-08:00

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning
yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear,
healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us
risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out
loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places
where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the
stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout
that soul's desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I
will show you how I struggle
not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with
me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither
against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause
before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into
being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Esperanza

2009-12-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

It's odd not having written for 3 weeks...
It's only been 3 weeks?
...Feels like months since Dec. 1.

Holy shit.

Today the hope of the resurrection of the dead
started to click.

The hope started to permeate within me.
Finally.
It moved from my head down to my heart.
I felt warmer.
I felt the endorphins pumping into me,
as my mood shifted from depressed
To excitement about being alive--about
Seeing Aunt Judy again.

So fucking weird, cuz i'm so fucking pissed off.

Yet, after we buried her in the ground
And drove away,
I was thinking about all I've been reading in Surprised by Hope.
...And how much MORE there is to come.
How our life here is just the beginning.
Yet, now we have to go through it without her...
It still fucking sucks so much.

Yet, i'm starting to feel it.

Yo puedo sentirla; esperanza.

Math major at heart

2009-12-01T21:02:00.001-08:00

Yes.

I am reminded what a math nerd I am.

I typed the word 'equation' when i meant 'occasion':

"On more than one EQUATION I have been told..."

CLASSIC.

cancer at christmas

2009-11-28T00:55:00.001-08:00

I HATE cancer.

It's been a year since Andy's mom died, and I still cry about it. I still miss her. I still sometimes can't believe she's gone. I still want to hug Andy and tell him how sorry I am and put my hand on his back during service when we pray for those who've died. It still hurts so much.

My aunt is dying from cancer right now. She has 3 young teenage kids. We are all like brothers and sisters. It's Thanksgiving and we all forgot the life-long tradition of going around the table and saying what we're thankful for. ....why?

My adopted grandpa's wife (Dr. Lemcio's wife, Diane) just got diagnosed with lymphoma cancer.

So I started to feel angry at God tonight--
then I felt like He said, "And you think I like it?"
He said it with attitude...'in your face'-like.

He HATES cancer too.

2009-10-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

Voy a estar una nina…
una nina de mi Padre.
Soy la nina…El es el Padre.
Estaré una nina y dormiré en paz.
Voy a tomarle la mano
y caminar con El .

Happy to be Alive

2009-10-03T22:33:00.000-07:00

"Now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since You took my heavy heart and made it light. And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive."

~For the last 5 years, most of the time I have sang this simple, not-deep-at-all chorus by Relient K praying that someday I could sing it truthfully; that someday I could breathe in deeply and sing with a full, warm heart that I was happy to be alive.

...and today I did.

Today I did.

I was sweeping up coffee grounds behind the bar where I work at Muse Coffee. This song came on. I was singing along as usual, with the normal feeling of dread that comes over me when I hear this song because it harshly reminds me that I don't feel the way I'm saying I feel as I sing along.

But today I did.

Today I am happy to be alive. I am so happy to be alive. I am so happy that I am happy to be alive.

Because this is so NEW for me.

And it's not just today...it's been a couple months now where I have woken up wanting to be alive...grateful to be alive. I wake up every morning fearing this will end--that i'll wake up depressed with a dark heaviness again...like I'm used to.

But I don't.

I knelt down on that coffee ground covered floor with broom and dustpan in hand and reflected on times in the recent past where I had wanted to end my life--where I was in such despair and hopelessness...and how good God has been to me throughout.

I thanked God over and over again in multiple languages-

Thank you, God. Thank you thank you thank you.
Gracias, padre. Gracias gracias gracias.
Спасибо Богу. Спасибо cпасибо cпасибо.

You have taken my heavy heart and made it light.
You have given me the gift of enjoying my life.

And I am happy to be alive.

Pouring Hope

2009-09-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

When you're blindsided and deceived
And chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see
The writing on the wall

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that's
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us

When it's hard for you to breathe
Keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be
Just to be yourself sometimes

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that's
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us

~Mindy Smith

2009-09-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

This is an awful ad.

Psalm 56...my prayer and consolation

2009-09-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

Be merciful to me, O God,
because I am under attack;
my enemies persecute me all the time.
All day long my opponents attack me.
There are so many who fight against me.

When I am afraid, O LORD Almighty,
I put my trust in You.
I trust in God and am not afraid;
I praise Him for what He has promised.
What can a mere human being do to me?

You know how troubled I am;
You have kept record of my tears.
Aren't they listed in Your book?
The day I call to You,
my enemies will be turned back.

I know this:
God is on my side--
the LORD, whose promises I praise.
In Him I trust, and I will not be afraid.
What can a mere human being do to me?

O God, I will offer You what I have promised;
I will give you my offering of thanksgiving,
because You have rescued me from death
and kept me from defeat.

And so I walk in the presence of God,
in the light that shines on the living.

WTF?

2009-09-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

I hate porn.
I hate how accessible it is.
I hate how "normal" it is.
I hate how men are basically encouraged to look at it...
like there is something wrong with them if they don't.

I mean, What the fuck?

Where did/do these totally "non-intrinsic to us" ideas come from?

And how can women support it?
How the hell do some women promote porn as liberating and feministic?
How in the world have the Playboy bunnies become ROLE MODELS for young girls?

I mean, What the fuck?

I'm so effing confused.

What have we become?

.
.
.

As We Are Held

2009-09-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

For far too long,
I’ve been far less brave than I’d like to be.
And I’ve stood here for two years with you,
Afraid every morning that the sun is through;
Always worrying it has better things to do.
Yet, on me, it continues to rise.

And so it is with the Son;
He chases me all day long.
And for too many years I’ve continued to run;
But today I stopped…and turned around.

He said there’s nothing wrong with me,
That I don’t need to be anything but Anne-Marie.
That from my fear, He’s dying to set me free…
And dying, He’s already done.

So I threw off my fear and
Exhaled it out of my lungs.
In return, He offered me the wine of love.
He kissed my forehead saying,
‘Child, you don’t need to run…
Anywhere but into My arms.’

So that is where I reside this eve.
And even better, so do you...

*We hold each other as we are held*

I know

2009-09-14T00:43:00.000-07:00

"God,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

~Let go, and let God.
~I can't; God can. So I'll let Him.
~Turn around and face the dragon.

~I cannot control the outcome;
give the outcome to God.

...

Jesus loves me...

THIS I KNOW.

Thank you, Brennan Manning

2009-09-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

"I am loveable because He loves me. Period."

"God never says to us, 'I want you to be something else' without also saying, 'I love you as you are.'"

"Harsh though it may sound, it is obvious that Christ is denied today by Christians most of all, because His lordship over their organized religion and their dogmatic convictions has become illusory, theoretical, and imaginary."

"The great turning point in your life comes not when you realize that you love God but when you realize and fully accept the fact that God loves you unconditionally."

~from A Glimpse of Jesus, by Brennan Manning

Lonely Sometimes

2009-09-07T11:49:00.000-07:00

"I woke up from a strange rain
And it was dreaming outside
I rolled over for the telephone

I thought I'd call someone
Tell them I dreamed I had died
But I know that I was all alone

I just get lonely sometimes
I want someone to take away my grief
I just get lonely sometimes
I want to wake up in the morning with someone
Lying next to me who I can turn to for relief
I just get lonely sometimes
But I know I just need You

I probably slept in a bed of bitterness
That's why I woke up this way
That's probably why I'm in this lonesome hole

I probably got to needing everything
And needing it today
That's probably why I play this lonely role

But I know I know I know I just need You."

~Waterdeep

2009-09-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am really sad...

Muchas Gracias

2009-09-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

Why does it still amaze me
That God gives me what I need?
And not only my needs,
But sometimes, also what I want...
Like tonight.
A solo dance party while mopping.
Some "Walk it Out" to get my feet moving.
And then an abundance of reassurance
That my heart will heal.
That I am desirable.
That although my heart is broken,
I am not broken.

Gracias, Padre.

Grief

2009-09-03T22:33:00.000-07:00

"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it.
It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord.
The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver.
But it opens a little less each time, and a little less;
and one day we wonder what has become of it."

~from Memoirs of a Geisha

Songs of the Summer 2009 & 2010

2009-08-31T16:26:00.000-07:00

- "Knock You Down" ~Keri Hilson w/Kanye & NeYo
- "I Got a Feeling" ~Black Eyed Peas
- "Whatcha Say" ~Jason DeRulo
- "Take a Bow" ~Rihanna 9/11/09
- "Walk it Out" ~Dj Unk
- "Breathe me" ~Sia
-"Heads will roll" ~the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Songs of the Summer 2010
- "Not Afraid" ~Eminem
- "Love the Way You Lie" ~Eminem w/Rihanna
- "Safe Place" ~Enter the Worship Circle
- "Got Yo Back Boy" ~. T.I. w/Keri Hilson

Things I want to do in my life (this list will be added to periodically)

2009-08-17T21:53:00.001-07:00

1. I want to jump and skip and dance down the sidewalk in front of where I live while I'm blasting "I got a feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas...cuz that song makes me happy.

Psalm 57 amended

2009-08-17T21:29:00.001-07:00

I am angry.
So, 'be merciful to me, O God,
Be merciful.'
I am so afraid and worried.
So, 'I come to you for safety.'
I want us to feel safe but I don't.
So, 'in the shadow of Your wings,
I [will] find protection.'
I am scared, God,
So I'll hide in You
'Until the raging storms are over.'
My needs weren't getting met.
So, 'I call to God, who supplies my every need.'
I heard the most painful answer to my question!
Now, instead,
I trust that You 'will answer from heaven
And save me.'
I was cheated on, double-crossed, and used.
But You 'show me [Your] constant love
And faithfulness.'
I am overwhelmed by the pain of the past;
'I am surrounded by enemies...'
I am full of grief in the present;
'My enemies have spread a net to catch me.'
And I am easily paralyzed by fear of the future;
'I am overcome with distress.'
But the pain, grief, and fear do not win--
'They dug a pit in my path,
But fell into it themselves.'
So I turned my will and my life
Over to the care of God;
'I have complete confidence, O God!'
Joy will again be mine!
'I will sing and praise you!'
It feels like I'm finally alive!
So 'wake up, my soul!'
Life is waiting for you to live.
'I will wake up the sun.'
For great is Your faithfulness to me.
'I will thank you, O Lord,
Among the nations.
Your constant love reaches the heavens;
Your faithfulness touches the skies.'

Amen.

Vanity or Sanity?

2009-08-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

Is it weird and vain that I like to listen to myself sing?
...especially songs by Alison Krauss, Mindy Smith, and Black Eyed Peas...

:)

from February 2007

2009-08-09T15:32:00.001-07:00

I lost my cell phone
Along with my mind.
Wherever they are,
I hope they're together.

An awkward sunset

2009-07-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

I am lonely as I stand before Your sunset.
I want him next to me,
But instead it's You.
Forgive me, Father, for wishing it was him.
At the same time, I am hopeful...
And happy to be there alone with You.
We stand there together as I cry, and grapple,
And hold my breaking heart.
You hold my breaking heart.
And for a moment, I find no joy in Your sunset.
All I see is loss.
All I see is that I've lost the sun...
And I'm all alone
With a sky on fire for You.
And for a moment, I find pure joy in Your sunset--
A promise of the sun's return tomorrow
After it visits the other lonely creatures
Of this small, lonely world.
I am not the only lonely one tonight.
You comfort me with this sad truth.
And you remind me I am not alone...
I am never alone.
In this dark, empty apartment,
Sits the Son.
And when I sit with Him,
He either cries with me,
Or dries all my tears away.

Double Tall Mocha

2009-07-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

Her hand grabs the coffee in front of me,
And I see she's wearing my ring.
I almost add vomit to her double tall mocha,
Instead of whipped cream.
All I can do to keep from making a scene
Is to listen to her story of "how it all worked out..."
How true, lasting love does exist--
Not just in the world,
but in my neighborhood.
Хвала Бога.
You do come through.

Musings on Manning's writings

2009-05-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

(Quotations are from A Glimpse of Jesus by Brennan Manning):

"'To be a disciple, and thus different from the unconverted pagan, means being as the heavenly Father is: perfect,' writes Scriptures scholar Donald Senior. 'Luke uses the word merciful (6:36). Both terms can be reduced to the same reality. For perfect in Matthew's context means whole, complete. To be whole or complete, as the Father is complete, means loving with limitless compassion...Following Jesus in his ministry of compassion defines the meaning of being perfect as your heavenly is perfect'" (69-70).

I have always wrestled with that command--to be perfect as God is perfect. I always interpreted it as the latter option in the following quotation:

"Jesus confronts us with a choice...Open up to letting yourself be loved by my Father and living a life of compassion, or return to the regime of secure piety and well-regulated virtue" (71).

But appparently I was wrong? Hmm. It's not that being wrong is holding me up but being wrong for so long about something I thought was so right.
It's not that I've continued to preach that it means "not sinning and following a moral code." I haven't. I've preached the "loving" version, like Manning. But I haven't actually believed it or lived it or let it transform me.

That's why his writings hit me so hard this morning. To do as Jesus commands means loving myself with "limitless compassion" and loving others with the same. That's all that is asked of me. And yet this loving of myself has always been the hardest thing for me to do. But Manning is saying it is what God wants? God wants me to receive His limitless compassion and love myself with it the same way?
I get the connection between loving self and loving others. Weird how I always forget this knowledge that "I get."

So maybe for me, "taking up my cross daily and following Christ" means daily opening myself up to be loved by God which translates into love for myself and moves through and out of me as active love for others.

Cool.

Parallels, Please

2009-05-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

This song by Jars of Clay is how I have been feeling lately and how I was feeling as I drove home tonight:

"I am a house that is divided in my heart and in my mind.
....
I use one hand to pull You closer, the other to push You away, (pause)
but if I had two hands doing the same thing,
lifted high, lifted high...."

Lately it's like I have a fettish for right angles--I've got one arm lifted up toward the heavens, wanting to both give and receive,
and the other out in front of me, wanting to keep God at bay.

Yet I'm aching for both limbs to do the same thing.

Tonight I was raising one hand to God and the other was flipping Him off.
Fuck cancer.
Who can I take my anger out on? Cancer's not a "who," and no human is responsible.
Guess that leaves God. So He got the middle finger tonight.

I never thought I would be so irreverent.
I know He understands.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Like a Movie

2009-02-15T21:57:00.000-08:00

You know in movies the scene where a single woman walks into her small and cluttered apartment at night all alone, wearing grey and black clothes, and looking exhausted and sad? Where she either lays her bag on the couch and looks around at her apartment which is a metaphor of her life or goes into the kitchen and sticks a tv dinner lasagna in the microwave? You know the music that usually accompanies those scenes? I wish that really happened. I wish that when I walked into my dark apartment tonight, sad and alone, that music started playing--music that fit my mood perfectly and evoked a sense of empathy and understanding in the imaginery viewers of my stage. Maybe "If I Were a Boy" by Beyoncee. Or, "That Dress Looks Nice on You" by Sufjan Stevens. No no, it would be "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.

Definitely.

"What is love? [God] don't hurt me. Don't hurt me...No more"

2009-02-11T22:44:00.000-08:00

Currently, I don't know if God loves me.

This is not because I feel too ashamed or "sinful" (and i'm definitely NOT looking for pity) but because I actually do not know what I believe about if or how God loves human beings. This has been quite a distressful doubting experience, to say the least. Sometimes I just want to be indifferent, and for the first time in my life, I have little hiccups of apathy.
Yesterday afternoon my spiritual director suggested that I "re-imagine" God (yeah yeah another one of those Emerging Church words & suggestions). But, I think there's merit to it--At least I hope so...I'm kinda "at the end of my rope", as the saying goes. She suggested I start with a "clean slate," a non-image of God. She suggested I ask God to show me who God is--and to be open to these "showings" through any and all mediums I happen upon--including experiences, Scripture, dreams, and conversations. She suggested I continually, throughout the day, ask myself, "Who is God to me?"
Last night, Andy confronted me about how much it hurt him when I lied to him a couple weeks ago. It was not a shaming confrontation. His purpose was to reconcile with me, to tell me how much he loved me--to restore our distance. He closed his eyes and as tears started streaming down his face, I saw who God is...and who I need God to be for me. With his eyes closed, Andy told me how much it hurts him when I do not tell him the truth; how much it hurts him to have feelings of his own inadequacy as a partner to me; how much it hurts him when all he wants is to love me deeply, and I won't love him back by being truthful. I saw who God is.
I saw a God not disappointed but understanding. I saw a God not enraged but wanting relationship. I saw a God not looking away because of sin but moving toward me longing real intimacy. I saw a God who loved me. A God who loved ME. Who LOVED me. Me.

If this man sitting here with me is created in the Image of God, then right now he must somehow, even if just a little bit, reflect who God is.

~A-M, 2/11/09

Linda Momma

2009-02-03T22:09:00.000-08:00

I wanted to call her 'Mom.'
I always had the urge to
But felt I should wait.
I wanted to call her 'Momma.'
Wish we could have talked
About all the cute memories she had
Of Andy when he was young.
I wanted to hear the classics--
His first words, the ways she made him laugh...
And vice versa.
But now I can't;
And I hate it.
We were going to be good friends.
I was going to call her 'Mom.'
We were going to dance at the wedding,
And give God thanks for her healing...
But there was none.

So goodbye, Momma.
We miss you.

~A-M, 2/2/09

April 1991

2008-11-30T22:43:00.000-08:00

Maybe if there had been (more) color in my life,
I wouldn’t hate love so much.
All I remember is green.
The green of the visitor deck where the duck family lived.
I liked those ducks—
Liked watching them grow from infant to toddler
(Like) a premonition of the prayer in my mother’s womb.
None of it made sense—
It still doesn’t.
Maybe there’s some red in there too;
Red in the thin little tubes covering her face and body.
Red on his hands.
Oh yes, and black…
Maybe dark brown?
I remember her hair—
Her dark brown hair.
Seventeen years later it still touches the top of her shoulders.
I am at the same instant repulsed and drawn to her.
She’s both my heart’s magnet and finger nails on a school chalk board.
She’s like the sun and the rain—whenever I have one, I want the other instead.
She’s like chocolate and poached eggs.

And so I ask myself,

Why do five year olds not play dead?
And how can this answered prayer support a head?
I ended up wanting to be the one being fed…

I wish someone had told me I was necessary.

~A-M, 11/30/08

August 25, 2008

2008-10-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

White flowers bloomed today in the August rain.

I thought the petals might fall off--

Might not withstand the pelting.

Frost knows what I was thinking.

I guess flowers can take a beating...

And bloom brighter because of it.

-A-M

My Current Sentiment

2008-09-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

The red sunrise at dawn
Satisfies the lustful eyes and is gone—
Only to be followed by a storm.
And the eyes knew this end all along.

A-M

An Ode on Unattained Contentment

2008-03-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

I looked at Your tree,
And was about to deem it dead--
For it was bare and leaf-less.
I was thinking about Your redemption
As I saw birds resting in its barren branches.
But then, I remembered
It's not dead at all--
I caught sight of its stable, mighty trunk,
Planted firmly in the green grass.
And I remembered,
That even plant life goes through their own seasons.
Even though it looks dead to my eye,
It is far from being so.
It is as alive as ever;
Resting within itself,
Content within itself--
Not concerned with providing beauty for humans to marvel at.
But only concerned with resting for now with its Creator--
Knowing, with full assurance,
That it will once again sprout beautiful leaves...
All in God's time.
It does not envy the Evergreen
Who stays clothed all year long.
It delights in its vulnerability--
It's inability to hide behind its coverings.
Oh the joy it finds
When the green buds appear in the spring!
Oh the joy and sorrow it feels at the same moment
When its leaves begin to turn,
Shades of orange, red, and yellow!
For it knows they are about to fall and die.
But the colors bring the tree such delight!--
Even while it mourns their loss.
And God sustains the tree through the winter.
And comforts the tree.
Multitudes of birds
Spend their mornings resting in its branches.
Within it, hosts of sparrows bathe their loved ones
And sing songs of love and life,
Amidst the barren branches.
And so, the tree is filled with companions.
The tree is not left alone.

2008-03-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my math professor's front room. This chair's pretty damn comfortable. I bet she grades my 15 hours of proofs sitting here.

There are books and cds and records all around me--on the floor, in piles, on shelves. The aroma of cabbage and cornbeef lingers after a hearty St. Patrick's Day celebration last eve. mmm, now that's some good irish cookin'.

The sun is is shining in through her window facing south. I can see the dust on her bookshelf, on her odd lamp, on her dead plant. Yes, this is a math professor's humble abode. The lack of decoration and conservative amount of furniture reminds me of me. I'm all about drapes from Goodwill. I eat that shit up.

I'm here kidsitting three 12 year olds--2 boys and a girl. One of the boys, David, started crying earlier over a bowl of fruitloops because his rat will probably be dead by time he gets home today. Schema is her name. She's lived a good, long life, he said. He's going to miss her. They had a real bond.

His tears reminded me how fragile we human beings are--and how most of us spend our lives trying to convince ourselves and others that we are not.

What's in a Sactuary?

2007-09-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

I’ve found myself sitting alone at a cold, plastic table inside PCC in Fremont at 10:30 on a Monday night. The table is off balance and wobbles as my left elbow leans on it to dig my fork into a huge piece of vegan, wheat-free carrot cake. I’m looking out the floor-to-ceiling window thinking to myself, “I wish the world were a safer place.” In that thought I am only thinking about me. In that moment I am only wishing the world were a safer place so that I could go for a walk outside at night and not worry about being followed or harassed or raped or molested. I’m thinking of no one else. I want to be alone right now. I want to walk outside right now.
So since the world is not a safe place, I have to go with “Plan B for Restlessness.” There is too great of a possibility that “Plan A for Restlessness” will prove harmful to my well-being. So I swallow the last bite of carrot cake (which is largely white, sugar-filled, vegan frosting) and turn my phone on silent. Plan B consists of walking up and down the aisles of PCC and reading the ingredients and nutritional facts of any item that catches my eye. Anything labeled “wheat-free” or “vegan” or “dairy-free” is sure to receive at least five seconds of my devoted attention. There’s something about being surrounded by foods that don’t make you feel like shit. It’s both comforting and encouraging. It makes me feel like there’s someone on my side—someone who understands.
It’s quite amazing how a grocery store has become a sanctuary.

The Desperation of the Faithful

2007-09-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

When will You come through?
And do that which You said You'd do?
For thousands of years
We've been waiting for You--
And I'm weary of waiting.

There are flowers blooming
Out of concrete boxes.
And no one's welcome
In their neighbors' houses.
I thought by now
We'd have stopped waving crosses.
No one knows who You are.

What more do You expect us to do?
Some get along fine without You.
But those who seek are lied to.
And I'm tired of watching them die.

You scolded us for worrying
About what we would eat.
But they haven't seen
More than bread in a week.
Her baby died
Because there was no water to drink.
When will You come through?

~Anne-Marie written around 6 pm on 9/5/07 sitting outside of
Revolutions Coffee in Greenlake

Neptune Coffee Part 1

2007-08-29T21:57:00.001-07:00

"I hate feeling like I can't feel--
Or rather, feeling like if I do I will cry until I pass out.
It's like a temporary, protective numbness--
But I feel it wearing off.
It's perpetuated by busyness--
And situations requiring dishonest smiles.
It allows me to sleep at night
Without racing thoughts and too real of nightmares.
But again...
I feel it fading.
I guess this stage that is passing is what they call denial.
But I haven't denied the facts.
I have denied the feelings.
And they're demanding to be heard.
They're refusing to be submissive.
I'm usually all about equality, equal rights, freedom of speech, etc...
But I both repress and oppress my emotions--
As if they aren't worthy to be heard.
As if they're not valid to feel.
I think the next stage is what they call anger...
I guess it's time I got angry."

~Anne-Marie 8/29/07

Animals & Humans

2007-08-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

I took Benedict for a walk tonight at about 10 pm. He's a Boston Terrier I'm dogsitting.
As we were out walking and I'm talking to him like he's a person, we happened upon the most
beautiful shadow of a leaf-filled branch of a tree. Even though it was a shadow produced by artificial light, it was so intricate and precise. I had to sit down on the sidewalk and just stare at it--take it in. I found myself saying to Benedict, "I wish you could see this. I wish you could understand the beauty of this shadow in front of us!" And then I found myself wondering what kinds of beauty he experiences that I don't see. I wonder what kind of relationship he has with our mutual Creator.

Must Reads

2007-07-31T23:17:00.000-07:00

Favorite reads of the last year:

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn (my favorite of the book's i've read the last few months);
A Generous Orthodoxy by Brian McLaren and his A New Kind of Christian trilogy;

God of the Possible and The Myth of a Christian Nation by Gregory Boyd;

The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne;

Glittering Images by Susan Howatch;
The Orthodox Way by Bishop Kallistos Ware;
Letters to Malcolm by C.S. Lewis;
Edna St. Vincent Millay's poetry--especially her sonnets;
The Power and the Glory by Graham Greene.

Friday the 27th

2007-07-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

I wasn't planning on this being a blog where I share about how my day was or what I did--this is not going to be a junior high diary--I never did that anyway.

I'm going to share about my Friday July 27th--to share both my personal experience and feelings, what I learned, and the theology the evening birthed.

I worked from 5:30 a.m. until 3:30 p.m.--fun but very long. And I wasn't able to fall asleep until past midnight the night before. Hence, I was tired when 3:30 rolled around.
It was Friday night, a night you're kind of socially expected to "go out" or at least NOT spend it alone. I haven't had a job or been in school since mid-March...so to go back to intense hours hit me hard that afternoon...and I wasn't really in the social mood. I was feeling drained: physicall, spiritually, emotionally, mentally... I was feeling spiritually empty. So I decided on the drive home from work that I would go to the 6:30 Taize service at St. James Cathedral downtown (it's every friday night so DEFINITELY go if you never have). I almost didn't go, however, because when I got home I sat on the couch and almost decided to not move for the rest of the night. I knew this would not be good for me...for many different reasons.

So I got myself into my car and to the Cathedral. I was actually feeling kind of lonely...alone.
And I rarely feel that way when I am physically alone. I went into the Cathedral, and my first instinct was to sit in a section where no one else was--I was thinking, "I didn't know anyone anyway, and this way I can be alone and pray and process. " Right after I thought that I knew I should deny my isolationist tendencies. I was in a church--with the body of Christ, of which I am a part. I would make myself sit with people. So I did. But I sat in row all alone. Well, that obviously wasn't good enough for God.

After sitting there for a few minutes in silence praying and preparing myself for the service, a lady came up to me and asked if I'd like to carry the icon of Jesus on the cross during this one part of the service. I told her I didn't know how to do it!! I wasn't lying. I really didn't know what she meant. She told me it was really easy but that it took two people. She went and asked this other lady sitting alone a few pews up if she'd carry it with me. She then looked back and waved at me to come sit by her--so I did. Her name was Maria. We sat together. We worshipped together. We had never met. And then we carried Christ's cross together.

I thought I was going to spend Friday night alone. I thought going to the Taize service was going to "seal the deal" on my aloneness. Wrong. God just won't leave me alone =). And i'm sure glad about that.
How beautiful to experience God in the face and presence and voice and "family-hood" of Maria and the other people sitting there with us. I walked out of the building NOT feeling alone.

And then I met Les. As I walked down the Cathedral steps, a black man in about his late-40's, early 50's walked up to me and asked me if Father So-and-So from St. James was at the service. I told him I didn't know. Les attends there. He stated right away that he was homeless and not looking for money for drugs or alcohol. He needed money to buy medicine for his Epilepsi and for a bus ticket to get to a place to stay in Tacoma. Well, I wanted to get to know him a little bit more before I gave him money, but also because he was so kind, not harrassing, and his eyes were so sad. I saw my own pain in his eyes. I've seen those eyes on me before.

We got to talking, and he has and does struggle a lot with depression. We share that. We talked about the different anti-depressant medications we've tried. We talked about not wanting to get up in the morning. We talked about not feeling like we even have energy to ask for help. We understood each other. We both were looking for a little understanding and love that night...and we found it.

I gave him the $6.50. Who know's if he used it for what he said he would. It really doesn't matter to me. I told him I'd be praying for him, and he was thankful. He told me he had been praying about who to ask for help because he didn't know if he had the strenght to endure rejection that night...I was God's answer to his prayer.
...And he was mine.

For some reason on Friday I thought I needed to get away from people to meet with Jesus. Turns out we meet with Jesus by being with people. I met Jesus in Maria. I met Jesus in Les. He refuses to leave me alone.

He refuses to let me be alone.

Rublev's icon

2007-07-21T12:52:00.000-07:00

After a distressful night of sleep (or the lack thereof) on Thursday night, I was desperate for some rest. When Friday eve rolled around, I found myself glad but mostly anxious--glad because I was tired; anxious because of the likeliness of having another night like the previous one.

So here's what I did. I meditated on the icon to the left--Rublev's icon. Of course, my eyes were closed, and I was meditating on it in my mind. Everytime an anxious thought or feeling entered my mind or body, I entered into this painting. In fact, in my mind, the Three were moving--moving constantly in a circle. And I found myself joining Them.

Let's just say I was desperate for some peace within myself. I don't know if I've ever felt peace so physically as I did last night dancing, moving, resting with these Three.

I heard You say

2007-07-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

"I heard You say You came to heal the sick;
Then why am I still lying here?
Am I one to whom You say,
'Oh ye of little faith'?
You said You were a doctor...
And I believed You.
The requirement for Your services
Was to have 'mustard seed-sized' faith.
I have that.
I've always had that.
I must misunderstand what it means to be sick--
And what it means to be healed.
There's pressure to 'enjoy' the process.
But They're not in it.
They're not crying tears of sorrow
On this lovely post-sunset eve.
And You...
Do I even know who You are?
Sometimes I'm just not sure.
Sometimes I feel like I don't care.
Sometimes I don't know what I feel.
Do You?
Do You know 'Why'?
Is there an answer to that question?
Am I asking the wrong question?
I once heard You say, 'Follow me.'
But sometimes I don't recognize Your face
Or hear Your voice--
And I lose You in the lonely forest.
Why do You let me get lost?
Am I lost?
Can I get lost?
...It's really not lonely at all.
I am with You when I am with the trees.
We dance together.
But They tell me I should be reading Your words
On murdered trees instead.
'There is no truth in dancing,' They say.
But I will go on dancing anyway."

~by me...written last Thursday after a beautiful sunset that didn't seem beautiful to me.

Perichoresis

2007-07-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

"Mother, Daughter, Ruah;
Father, Son, and Spirit:
Dance with us today.
We gather here to dance with You.
Teach us how.
Show us how.

God of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel,
God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob:
You are the Beautiful Dancer.
Hold our hands and we'll dance.

Holy Community,
Unity in Diversity:
Dance with us today.
We gather here to dance with You.
Teach us how.
Show us how.

God of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel,
God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob:
You are the Beautiful Dancer.
Hold our hands and we'll dance."

~I wrote this song to be played at COTA, Church of the Apostles.
It expresses the heart of my theology, orthopraxy, and faith.